out of the sky


Nef visited me on December 2 and left on December 4. I miss that weekend so much. I miss being with him. I miss him. I want him around all the time. Is that what it really feels like? Not to just like someone but to, dare I say, almost love someone? I just yearn to be around him all the time, to look at him and whisper to him and feel his cheek resting against my shoulder and his hands keeping my hands warm. I miss brushing his hair and giving him eskimo kisses and running my thumb along his bottom lip. I miss having coffee with him and I miss falling asleep with him and I miss waking up to him and I miss exploring restaurants with him and I just fucking miss being with him.

He cried when we went on webcam after he returned to LA because he missed me so much. I didn't realize until later that I remembered him telling me many times that he would never cry over a girl again after his baby momma .. I guess he probably meant that in a different context but still .. it meant so much to me that he missed me that much. (I myself teared up after I couldn't see him anymore when he went through the security checkpoint at the airport ..)

I want him to come back. Or I want to go there. I want the day to come when we live together. I'm trying hard not to set my expectations too high, just in case things happen and I end up disappointed and hurt .. maybe I'm in the honeymoon phase (all over again) because now we've finally met .. I just want to hug him and kiss him again. God, I'm such a girl.
( 11:28 p.m. )


Father texted me around 4AM on Saturday. Sent me spiraling farther into my dark place than I already was. But unlike other times, I'm trying so hard to bring myself out of it. I'm trying to talk to people and smile and be happy. But here and there my mood will just sink back down and I will sort of collapse into myself. I try so hard to pull myself out of it though, but it takes time for me to realize where my thoughts have begun to travel.

On a better note, Elly told Nef that she thought I was so beautiful and that Nef should marry me.
( 06:42 p.m. )


How many more ways can I continue to fuck up my life.

I talked to Elly and she drew pictures of me and her. Then I met his mom. I am forgettable.
( 04:53 a.m. )


Feeling very inadequate in all aspects of my life, with people, with academia, with work. I feel I'm not good enough to talk to people, that I'm unnecessary in conversations. I feel I'm not good enough with my school work and I should just stop trying to get into graduate school or medical school or anything, that I can keep trash talking freshmen but they aren't any better than me. I don't feel good enough in work, that I shouldn't be a supervisor, that I probably am not necessary in the workplace, especially if I'm constantly refusing to learn to prep. I'm just a nuisance. No one needs me here.
( 12:02 a.m. )


I wasn't satisfied with my pay rate .. especially when I had to put up with people's bullshit, do extra work, and get walked all over. So I threatened to quit. I guess I didn't really want to come off as threatening .. but anyway, they didn't want me to leave and even panicked that I felt this way because they had no idea I was harboring such angry feelings. They gave me a raise, and I am satisfied.
( 07:28 p.m. )


Feels like I'm always going to live in someone else's shadow.
( 01:47 a.m. )


Okay, Nef was not allowed to be mad that I mistook his birthday for June 15 when it is actually June 14. First, he thought I was born in 1990. Then he also thought I was born on October 1. What!!!
( 06:41 a.m. )


This is much too incredibly accurate:

I have never felt more comfortable with a person in all my life, which of course makes me panic so much sometimes that I cannot even stand it and I pick huge fights with him over nothing so that I don't have to be afraid of everything going wrong. I make it go wrong, I control it going wrong, so I can hold on to that.
( 01:19 a.m. )


Today is our second anniversary. Even though he's not in the US right now, it's still a better anniversary than our first one.

I also met Elly .. we finally managed to get on webcam while he was away and Elly was there with him and he just pulled her in. Apparently she knows he talks to me, and now she knows me. It was awkward for me, because I was surprised, and I'm also not good at talking with kids. So I just said hi, and kind of studied her face .. she looks a lot like her mom. She showed me one of her toys she got while she was there and then I showed her Oreo, because I know she loves cats. I don't know what she thinks of me but she is probably bored of me.

I feel like everyone around me is ignoring me. I feel like everyone is dismissing what I say, talking over me, ignoring my opinions. I feel like, maybe it's better I do be quiet. Nothing going on with me is really very important anyway. At least not important to anyone else but myself. I feel like people just want to talk, not listen. So I guess I should let them, since what I say is usually just unimportant babble in the background, like, "oh yeah that's really true" and "really? yeah right."

On a personal note, I learned to purge without putting anything down my throat. I can just vomit at will now.
( 01:57 a.m. )


Moroccan mint tea and pomegranate shisha. Delicious.
( 07:04 p.m. )


People forget eventually. They think you're better and they stop caring and stop noticing.

I'm falling into the trap of anorexia. I'm at a decent weight, but now I'm so afraid to gain weight. I started keeping a journal of what I eat throughout each day. I'm debating wearing a rubber band on my wrist to snap whenever I feel hungry. I'm still kind of in between bulimia and anorexia. Instead of binging then purging, I'm binging then starving. I still purge here and there, very little. No one really cares anymore, like they've forgotten now, because they think I'm all better. No one gets better from these things, especially with no support group.

I got into a bad fight with Nef about it. I don't know what I was trying to do. I baited him with it, hinting at what was going on with me. Then I told him I'm glad he doesn't know anything about eating disorders. And that nothing was wrong, I'm fine. I gave him a terrible attitude and he got incredibly angry that I, again, wanted to withold my problems from him. I'm a terrible girlfriend. And my cons just constantly build up.

Jack kept pestering me about what bothered me. He finally got it out of me. Well, more like he just kept guessing. Starting from my feet and upwards. Sigh. He didn't need to know ..

The girls and I had gone to D.C. and NYC for a brief vacation. It didn't feel like a vacation. It just stressed me out more. So now I have a huge buildup of stress and I'm lashing out at everyone. We need time to relax, to vacation. Since none of us are able to take another vacation anytime soon (financial responsibilities) I'm trying to find ways to break out of life while still being nearby for work.
( 11:48 p.m. )


I died again in my dream tonight. I was in a house, and Lisa was outside. She casually mentioned there was a man outside our house with a dog. Then suddenly, I'm in a car .. you know how dreams are, constantly fluctuating. I'm in the car, Lisa is outside the car and this man and his dog are outside my car as well on the passenger's side. Suddenly him and his dog are peering into my window, except their necks are elongated and they continue to stretch and stretch until they are so very close to my face, and suddenly the man pulls a pen out and stabs me in the throat (my Adam's apple, or the female equivalent). I hate that feeling in my dream, that feeling of all my blood suddenly gushing from my body. It's a strangely numb feeling.

What I gather from this dream is that I should probably stop letting people walk all over me. In the dream, I allowed this strange, creepy man to continue staring at me and lean closer and closer to me. I didn't say anything at all, and eventually he was close enough to kill me. I've been letting a number of people from work do as they please with me. It frustrates me but I've yet to actually say anything to their faces. I'm getting closer but I think I keep trying to avoid creating drama that it's hurting me in the end.

I woke up and tried to fall asleep again. I dreamt this time about my manager Nick. I don't recall a lot of the dream, except the part when he was at the register dealing with a group of African-American women. I made the drinks and he seemed to be still dealing with them. They walked away and he told me to throw the drinks out. They weren't taking it. I was confused and slightly upset, because I made a great deal of drinks and felt they were a waste. Nick went into the back room, then called my cell phone from his phone. He was incredibly upset, saying that this group of people treated him so badly, treated him like a slave, treated him like he should wait on them hand and foot. What bothered me in this dream was his voice. It was so eerie, so angry and ferociously calm but deadly. It felt so real and it has made me never want to truly, utterly piss my manager off.
( 01:28 a.m. )


I really hate my mom sometimes. I told her I was going to graduate school and she just put me down so much, saying I was stupid just like my brother and I was a piece of crap for not going to medical school. I yelled at her while we were at the Cheesecake Factory. Graduate school is just a step towards medical school, because I'm so stupid and inexperenced right now. It still frustrates me now.

It made me feel really shitty. Shitty daughter, shitty sister, shitty friend, shitty girlfriend. I really feel like a shitty girlfriend, especially later. I thought his birthday was the 15th, but it was the 14th. He wasn't mad, but sad and upset that I mixed up the date. He wasn't expecting anything really, but sort of was, since I usually make a big deal out of his birthday. I felt so shitty. I think I mixed it up because whenever it was his birthday, it was already the 15th here, but still the 14th there. Blah. He got over it later, maybe, I still feel like he's holding a grudge or he'll bring it up later when we have another fight. I don't know how I can be so stupid. I didn't try to defend myself, because I know he hates it when I do that, and honestly I'm completely in the wrong. Sigh.
( 11:23 p.m. )


I dreamt I drove to a diner/restaurant. It was dark outside, the restaurant was dimly lit, and I wandered around inside. I passed by a group of women who commented on a table a little ways from them, saying, "They're making quite a racket." The little girl at the table was clanging two metal plates together. I walked towards them, just to glance, on my way around the diner. It was Nef and his daughter. For some reason, I avoided them. I walked around them, stealthily. Nef was too absorbed in his daughter to notice me, and of course he wouldn't think I was there. I stuck around them, just outside of their little bubble of a world, watching, observing, but not involved. Then a group of men and a women started arguing at the cash register. It was some drama amongst themselves. It caught Nef's attention and he looked up and I ran. Suddenly I was at work. Working with Jack, Peter, and Lisa. I felt almost half awake at this point. I could hear the batter running, with the familiar swishing sound the metal thing makes as it spins against the bowl. It was almost an annoying sound that I tried to get out of my head. I don't know why I concentrated so much on this sound. I even tried to figure out what the sound might be in real life (as I was somewhat half awake). Anyway, it was dark and the windows were foggy. Lisa was making crepes, except she never moved from the spinning area, although I would watch her wrap and fold crepes. Jack and I were standing on her right side, where she would have been to wrap and fold crepes. Peter was making the batter, so he wasn't completely visible but sometimes he would pop into our conversation to say something. You could also hear him stop the batter machine to add whatever ingredients he needed to, and then run it again. Jay was there as well, but only for this part: A group of teenagers, skateboarders, with long hair and plaid shirts and beanies, came in and stood at the register. For some reason one stood on top of Jay's stool and loomed over us. We didn't think anything of it, as strange as that was. They walked out, and I commented to Lisa that I felt like that kid was about to shoot us. Then I saw behind her, through the employee room, through the glass windows that looked outside. There they were, staring back at me through the windows. The kid who was on the stool suddenly shot a gun. It hit Lisa in her ribs, and she said sorry, that I was right that they would shoot us. And she fell. I felt all the blood drain from me, as if I'd been shot myself. Or was I in such shock and fear that one of my best friends might die? I felt numb, prickly, the way I feel when I die in my own dreams. Jack and Peter were on the floor now too, and Jay was no longer in my dream. I ran to the back door to bolt it shut, grab the safe key, then slam the door shut to the employee room. I pulled Lisa's body away from the door, grabbed a bunch of napkins, and pressed against her bullet wound. Then I called the police and hoped the teenagers didn't walk in through the front door again, or even worse, break the glass windows and come in that way. Then I woke up.
( 08:49 p.m. )


I have a sick satisfaction of knowing that the thin people I went to high school with have gained weight from all the drinking they do or the babies they've had or whatnot. As if I won, I'm better, in your face, look who's a loser now.
( 08:41 p.m. )