everything's so temporary.
i should have known.


12:42 a.m. » This is for all the times I doubt our relationship, for the all the times I feel uneasy or wonder if he likes me at all ..

Remember the cute texts he sends you, saying he misses you or asking what you're doing or if you ate or just simply "Boo!".
Remember the times he randomly calls you "babe."
Remember the times he only wants to play video games if you are playing with him, no matter how much his other friends want him to play with them.
Remember the time he read to you so you could fall asleep.
Remember the time he tried to speak Cambodian because he wanted to know more about you.
Remember how he is always saying how he wants to just hold you and talk to you face to face one day, to cuddle and kiss and fall asleep together, to go out to dinner or the movies or just stay at home and cook together.
Remember how similar you two really are, how you have both experienced the same things in the past and inevitably now see the world in a very similar perspective.
Remember that he only talks to you when he goes into seclusion and no one else, not even his family.
Remember that he only gets scared of the relationship because he cares too much for you and is afraid of the day when this happiness may be taken away from him.
Remember all of the things he's taught you, showed you, opening a whole new horizon of interests.
Remember how he is always willing to listen to you and give you advice about the obstacles you encounter.
Remember how much he makes you laugh with even the stupidest jokes.
Remember how he started to hum because you didn't like the lulls in conversations since you didn't feel like he was "there."
Remember how he likes to just stay on the phone, not saying anything, because he feels as if you are right next to him.
Remember how you helped him to stop taking sleeping pills and to stop cutting himself because he now has an outlet for all his pain.
Remember how he started reading again because of you.
Remember he started washing rice before cooking it because you told him to and now his family loves how much fluffier it is.
Remember how he can tell you are even slightly angry just by how much more clearly and faster you speak.
Remember that he is almost always thinking about you when you two don't already spend half the day together.


12:51 a.m. » It amuses me that I am the bulemic one yet I am always asking him if he eats or not. He doesn't ask me anymore. I even asked him before why he doesn't ask me and he thought he might be annoying me. So I told him that he wasn't and that it's nice being asked since it feels like someone is paying attention to me. He still doesn't ask me. I don't want to bring it up or anything though. That's like crying for attention.

I do feel like going on a diet though. I feel like my weight just stopped decreasing so at this point I have to force it down. Whatever was making it go down before has reached its limit.


04:52 a.m. » Why am I with him? That .. that is a good question. Mind you, I do enjoy being with him. A lot. Just not when he's being overlysensitive, depressed, socially anxious (actually, I can deal with that), or just outright self-loathing.

I don't know anymore. I understand that relationships don't always go smoothly but I feel as if I am running into a lot more obstacles than I should be. But it's the good part of the relationship that keeps me going because that is worth the trouble.

Where do I draw the line, though? When do I decide that I am putting more effort into this relationship than I should be? When is it too much? When do I say enough? When do I give up?

I am not going to lie. Part of me just wants to stay with him until I fix him, if possible. Only part of me though. It is a challenge. And I like challenges. It's better than boring and monotonous and always happy. Give me adversity. I enjoy heartache. It makes me feel like there is something that can actually affect me that way. Finally there is. It's not always just anger anymore. I actually feel remorse and sadness and insecurity and jealousy and I actually miss him when he's not around. He makes me feel.


03:13 a.m. » I always feel like I am the one who is always "wrong." Or at least that's how he always makes me feel. So last night I got mad at him and of course his reaction was to get mad at me too and I was really thinking, wow he always thinks of himself and how he feels. What about me? Then I always feel like I have to convince him to stay with me or at least that he was right or even what I did was justified. I have to almost lower myself just to make him happy.

And then today he did what I always feel like I'm doing. He is trying to justify himself, trying to prove to me things that I always feel like I am trying to prove to him. Then I remembered that he does do this a few times. But I just feel like I do it more than him.

I guess that just means I do things wrong more than he does. OR it means that I am more reasonable about the things he does and I don't blow them out of proportion. LOL.


03:03 a.m. » I feel like I can't do anything right. I can't get a job. I can't even pass Organic Chemistry after studying so much. I can't even wake up for school. Now I can't even play Left 4 Dead right. I can't fucking aim!

Seriously. I feel so shitty these days.


11:22 p.m. » I didn't get the job at Barnes&Noble.
Why do I suck so much?

I caved in and asked my mom for help to pay for my rent next month. I can't depend on Ryna to pay me back. It's just not happening.


05:46 a.m. » Yeah, we're back together. I should just not take break ups seriously. I just need to ease him back into not being so depressed. Well, actually, it was due time. It's been a week. He should be out of his relapse by now. (: I just need to have the patience for a week every month. I don't mind that.


03:07 a.m. » I'm not sure but I think we got back together. I talked to him after I got so wasted on Saturday but at that point I started sobering up. He got really mad .. or jealous .. because the night we broke up I had kept talking to Johnny, without telling him to hold on or whatever. He was mad that I gave Johnny priority. He was jealous that my best friend's could have their boyfriends come over whenever they wanted but he couldn't do that.

I don't know though. He's still thinking about it. But we touched upon subjects today that made me think oh, yeah, we're definitely together again.

I wish his anxiety would go away or at least not be so strong right now. It's pretty much making him feel all this. Ugh. But I accept that part of him. I just need to learn how to deal with it.

Oh, but something else .. I had distanced myself to brace myself for a breakup for about a month before now and he noticed it. He doesn't feel close to me. I guess I should open up again.


10:34 p.m. » Broke up.

That's a good way to kick me while I'm down, I'll say that much.

It might be final this time. I already deleted his number on my phone so I won't feel inclined to send him pathetic text messages. I uninstalled every program that we used to talk through. Skype, Vent, S4, Left 4 Dead, even Puzzle Fighter. I did uninstall MSN but I can't do it. That's going too cold turkey for me. I will still stalk him. : Unless he blocked me but I don't foresee him doing that. I am just going to sit invisible and just see when he comes online .. blah.

I don't think he'll want to get together again. Maybe. He might but I doubt it. If he did .. I think I might cave in and get back with him ..

How pathetic am I. I am just like my mother.


11:50 a.m. » I feel like I'm on the verge of my second (or third?) mental breakdown. I can feel it. I can feel myself ready to just collapse in a heap of uselessness and bawl my eyes out. All this stress is just collecting and collecting and all I am doing is running away from all of my responsibilities.

I knew this was a bad idea, taking Organic Chemistry and Physics together. What the hell was I thinking, believing I could handle them both simultaneously? I am of decent intelligence but I am not a genius. I feel like no matter how prepared I feel for exams in Organic Chemistry .. and in fact Physics too, I continuously disappoint myself. The grades I receive are just insulting. Why do I think I can do this? I obviously can't. I need to learn to accept at this point that I am not going to pass these classes and I must figure out an alternative .. but by failing these classes I have directly taken away my own miniscule chances of matriculating into medical school. And that is what has triggered a majority of stress.

This stress is becoming tangible. In high school they were migraines and throbbing, pulsating headaches day after day. A month ago they turned into stomach aches. Now I am beginning to believe that this mysterious ache in my hip and balls of my foot and even the weakness in my knee are from stress (why my right leg, I wish I knew). What's next?

I keep eating and eating my stress away. Sleeping and sleeping. Skipping class after class because what the fuck is the point if I know I am failing it inevitably.

I talked to Victor. I laughed about it to Lisa and Ryna, but it really bothered me. The fact that I barely talk to him anymore. He was like my best friend sort of. He talks to my mom everyday because she calls him. He takes her out to eat every two weeks. They are in constant connection. Always. My mom rarely calls me. Maybe once a week, or once biweekly. She visits every two weeks. My brother never talks to me. Never once called me. Texted me maybe twice. I haven't seen him in three months. I don't like this at all. I knew it was bound to happen because I was so disconnected before. I should have expected this.

It was out of the blue but my brother randomly said that he was very proud of me and that I am the hardest worker he has ever known. That was very surprising and it cheered me up a little bit ..

I got called back from Borders at the Galleria Mall. I called them back and set up an interview for today. In two hours. I'm not going. Why am I not going. I can't even tell you. I am so fucking stupid. Why the fuck am I not going to the job interview. I feel so nervous and like I am not worth it right now in this state. It's very far from home too. I should find something closer. What the fuck is wrong with me. There is a job waiting for me and I just decide not to go after going through the trouble and wasting everyone's time by setting up the interview ..

I keep saying I want to go here or there, NYC or the Bahamas. I don't deserve a vacation.

I really had to resist buying cigarettes. Went up to the register and everything, with my license in hand, about to ask for a pack. I'm surprised I pulled myself away.

I came home right after. Needed to lock myself in the house. Ryna probably noticed how messed I must have felt. I could hear it in my own voice when she asked me what was wrong. My hands were shaking and my breath was ragged. I just wanted to break down right then and there but I didn't because I didn't want to explain to her or anyone what was going on with me because really, something like this is not worth breaking down over. I really want to cry right now. I just want to curl up in my bed and cry.

Everything's just so fucked up. And it's that way because I made it that way. I really need to get wasted tomorrow or something. I just .. I don't know what I need.


03:09 a.m. » I started working my butt off for school .. and yet I am still behind. And since I'm cramming so much information in my head, very little of it makes sense. It's all sticking but I don't comprehend what I'm memorizing.

I deserve it. I did this to myself.


06:42 p.m. » Where is my motivation anymore? I need it now especially. I just feel nothing pushing me to even wake up in the mornings, let alone go to class. I just want to lay down all day and waste my life away.

Maybe I'm trying to make up for the summer that I didn't have, trying to give myself a vacation I didn't give myself.

Right now is a really bad time to do that though. This is probably the most critical year of my academic career. Yet, here I am treating it like nothing at all.


06:48 p.m. » The boyfriend and I are fine again.

It's just so superfluous. Relationships. There are just bigger things in life. But at the same time, I really needed that comfort of someone being there for me. I know my best friends are always there, always. There is just something different with a significant other. There is that missing piece and I feel safe, even if he is miles and miles away. To know that I mean that much to someone, that I am making so much of a difference in this one person's life. To know that I have the power to hurt him with just a few words.

But I take a step back and remember that there is so much wrong with my life, namely that dysfunctional family of mine. My mother tells me that my father wants to see her again, but does that mean just to see her or to get back together with her? Is that just a rumor or is that truth? My mother is essentially homeless. My family is broken apart. My brother lives with his girlfriend. I miss him so much. I haven't spoken to him in days, haven't seen him in a month. I don't care how annoying my mother gets. I love her. I am glad she visits so often, that she tries to help me financially and bringing food every time she visits. I think of how Chanda lost her brother so abruptly and it scares me how things just happen so fast and so unpredictably. I could lose any of them in an instant. Even I could die at any instant. I try not to take my family for granted sometimes but I realize I get mad at them more often than not. I need to stop. I need to realize they mean so much to me.

The only person I will never consider my family again is my "father." He abandons us so many times during the most critical times, just to save his own selfish ass. Where was he when we got evicted from our house in New Hampshire? And for the eight years following? And then in the last three years, on and off again he would run away from the house when something went wrong. When is he ever there for us? When was he there for me when I had to pay for school? Not a fucking dime from him. What the fuck has he ever done for me? Nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing. Useless piece of shit. I can't believe I am related to that man. How did I become a product of him? Disgusting. Men like him deserve to die and I cannot wait for that day.


02:21 p.m. » Wow. So I was being especially antisocial last night, despite having been relatively close with Nef during the day. Then at night, after asking if we could be on the phone later, I just changed my mind and said forget it and I didn't want to talk. Then Nef completely blew up at me and was saying stuff like we shouldn't be together if we both had issues and that he didn't want to date someone who was just like him. LOL I am nowhere what he is but I do have my moments of seclusion. Okay, so it was bad timing on my part but I can't really control that. Wow, he was being so harsh last night but I managed to calm him down. Then he texted that he did tell me that he is a real jerk during his relapse. So true.

Anyway, then I said that being on the phone was probably out of the question at that point. He said he didn't know since he was still mad at me a little bit but he did want to be on the phone .. then apparently he called me but I didn't get the call (eh? my phone keeps doing that lately). So he sent me a text saying sorry for calling and he didn't want to talk, just be on the phone. Aww. So I called him myself. He in fact talked a lot. So did I for once. It was weird. I'm just so used to talking to him a lot on MSN so literally talking to him this much was new. I liked it!

I take it he trusts me now because he ended up telling me what happened to him last week, which was pretty intense and I am probably only one of four people who know about it. One person being the one who was involved, one being the idiot who ended up telling someone and the other person being the one who was told the secret. Amazing. He trusts me that much.

He said that deep down he wants to spend as much time as he can with me. Texting throughout the day, MSN at night, then on the phone until morning. (: Then the other part of him backs off and gives me space to concentrate on school. Aww.

Anyway, I did ask him that I was afraid that if I were to somehow want to break up with him, I wondered how much effort he would put into keeping us together. If it had been before this catastrophic event, he would have fought to stay together, to work out whatever was wrong. But now he's just in acceptance of whatever decision I make because he thinks he isn't good enough to stay with. I'm just hoping it is part of the phase he is in. I do believe he was like this last month during his other relapse.

I just want him to be happy again. I heard him laugh, and I mean full-out laugh, when he was talking to his daughter in her sleep (lol) and she answered him. I want to hear it more. All I ever really hear are these little snickers and maybe a giggle of sorts. Maybe it's because we talk at night when everyone's asleep .. I don't know. I just loved how talkative he was last night. It almost made me feel like I was right next to him talking. That's the thing about MSN; I feel kind of detached from him. Not a real conversation but enough of one to satisfy for the moment.

He said he might switch to the Verizon network since his current contract is up. So we could talk anytime, alllll day .. (:


01:57 a.m. » Everything feels like it's back to normal with Nef. (:

However, I don't know what's wrong with me. For the last couple of weeks, I have been suffering severe social withdrawals. I have been wanting to just get away from everybody, to stop talking to everyone, to disappear. The feeling gets stronger and stronger every day. I suppose that is the reason I have been skipping class almost everyday. I just don't want to see anyone. I don't want to hear their voices or feel their presence. I just want to hide, run away, not exist.

I deleted so many people from my MSN and AIM and Skype. I deactivated my Facebook. I'm pretty unresponsive around my college friends. I feel so dead inside.


03:03 p.m. » Break up and getting together again through text.

(Removed)

Afterwards, he kept asking what I was doing and blahblah then we both got on MSN and continued our conversation, which wasn't much too different than what was explained through text. We're talking normally again, although he said he still feels a bit distant but is trying to open up to me again.

My boyfriend's a manic depressive. I can deal with it. I mean, I am dealing with it. The thing is, I am making him better. I help him get out of his depressions faster. I also am helping him get over his aunt's death. I feel good. Now that I know not to take anything he says during his depressions seriously, I think we will do fine.

On Tuesday, I had texted him if he was awake. He said he was, so I called him because I missed his voice. He didn't pick up and then asked why I called him. I got frustrated, and yeah I got a little mad because he asked me why. He replied that I could call him but he wouldn't talk. I got mad at that too, since he wasn't talking to me at all and now I was wondering why I should even call him if he wasn't going to talk there either? Turns out that earlier that day, he had missed me too and was thinking of being on the phone with me. Not to talk, but just to fall asleep with me. He failed to mention the falling asleep part to me through text. Him not picking up the phone was supposed to let me know that he wasn't going to talk. He just wanted to know I was there with him (like he always does). Blah.

If we hadn't been so close, he wouldn't have replied to any of my texts. So I guess the few texts he did respond to were special. If I was anyone else, he wouldn't have replied to me at all. Sweet.

He also knew all the shit he was putting me through, which was why that one text said I should break up with him. He didn't want me to go through this pain and that I shouldn't have to. :

I know, why the hell am I doing this .. how pathetic of me .. blahblahblah. But he is really an amazingly sweet guy when he is not depressed. I am willing to deal with the depression. He can't help that part of him, like I can't help my social withdrawals.

He also knew our two month anniversary was October 7th. His depression has just thrown him off a lot. He didn't even know what day it was last night. But he knew. That's good. :3 We did talk on our anniversary .. it's just that the conversation was not a good one (but at least he came out of his shell that much to talk to me and only me) and it was in fact that very conversation that made me doubt our future. But now that I know he is opening up to me again and what he said should not be taken that seriously since he didn't mean it .. there is nothing to doubt. :)


11:55 p.m. » Ten minutes ago, I broke up with him. I couldn't wait anymore. I was getting sick of waiting for him, especially when I knew that he wasn't going to change.

The more I talked to my best friends about it, the more I realized how much of a wreck I became just because of this one person.

I hate what it made me become. I never want to turn into that again. So helpless and weak. So dependent on another person to make her feel loved. So digusting.

Maybe I'm only saying this because I just broke up with him. Maybe this is how I really feel.

I really do think I might want to stay single forever. Or at least for a very long time. I don't even know what kind of guy I want to find either. I thought I found him but look what happened there. Not the kind of guy I should be with. I hate my addictive nature. Once attached, it's so hard to let go.

I'm glad I'm doing this now and not months from now. It wouldn't be so easy to cut clean as I am doing now. Even now, feelings are still lingering and I will miss him a lot. I'll probably even look at his photos over and over again. I'll keep imagining that one sweet last conversation we had on the phone on my birthday .. his voice .. Listening to all the songs he's sent me. Watching all the movies he's uploaded for me, and just for me. Watching all the episodes of these shows he's wanted me to watch so he could talk to me about them. Now, I'll think of him everytime I think of LA, Jewish people, Italians, Star Trek, Superman, The Office, Heroes, fuck even the books I read will remind me of him since I got him back into reading. Especially All the Names because I kept pressing him to read that. I will still read the books he recommended me too .. Goddammit, even post it notes will remind me of him.

Hopeless mess that I am.


06:12 p.m. » I finally managed to talk to him last night. I managed to make it the whole day without texting him, so he finally texted me around midnight saying that I should break up with him because he's no good for me. Then he asked if I was asleep around 3AM, at which point I told him to get on MSN. He missed me and was wondering how I was doing. I suppose that's a good sign. I asked him if he was going to keep being so cold, distant, and unresponsive and he said yes. He doesn't want to trust me. He's afraid that if things don't work out, I will go around spilling his secrets. I tried my best to convince him that I am not that kind of person but it was fruitless. I may have somewhat slightly made him think about it but no, I don't think he's budging. I understand it's very soon after whatever happened to him, but he sounded like he was very keen on not opening up ever again. I said I wasn't giving up, but he was right. What kind of relationship is this when communication is a no-go? I felt really hurt that he wasn't willing to consider me an exception ..

I went to sleep around 6:30AM. I got ready for class but decided last minute to skip it all. I went in for my lab though. Cathy's really been there for me. She talks to me, hugs me, pats me, comforts me. There is something about the way she assesses the situation that is different from how Ryna does. I don't really like how Ryna perceives Nef. I feel like I only want to talk to Lisa and Cathy about it. I don't tell much to Cathy, but she gets the gist of it and she really seems to understand. She's willing to do a lot of stuff for me to help me get out of this slump. She doesn't like my fake smile. (I gave up trying to look happy anymore, so it's not even my fake smile anymore, just a fake fake smile.) She told me it's not worth it. It's only been two months and he has too much emotional baggage that I shouldn't have to deal with.

Maybe she's right. Why am I pushing myself so hard to stay with him .. part of me feels bad to just disappear on him while he's like this. The other part of me really doesn't want to leave him because I really like him a lot .. when he's happy. Or maybe I don't really like him that much. Maybe I've only stayed with him because I'm afraid I can't get with another person, because no one likes me. And that is just my insecurities pulling me away from people.

This is why I didn't want to be in a relationship. Look what it's done to me. I can't even concentrate on what's important anymore (well, not as much as I can potentially). People wonder why I was so detached from society. It's because time and time again someone will fuck me over in order to protect themselves. People are so selfish. As long as they are safe in their own minds, who cares who they hurt along the way? Fuck empathy. Apathy keeps me safe, as well as focused. The only people I need to care about are my best friends because they have been there for me through all of the shit that life has thrown at me. They've listened to me complain about shit that doesn't matter and shit that does. I trust them, love them, unconditionally. No matter what shit they pull, I eventually get over it and things are better. It's about loyalty, honesty, and forgiveness. They are the only people who matter to me.

I don't want a boyfriend. It just makes a mess out of my life. I will give Nef until the end of the week. I will not text him, nor will I respond to his texts. I will not go on MSN anymore. If he is still as coldhearted as before, then I will break up with him by Wednesday of next week. That's it. I am not going through this shit again.

But the good times did outweigh the bad by a lot. I will miss him. I still like him but he is just not going to open up for me anymore. What else can I do? I can't just pretend to be his girlfriend when he won't even talk to me.